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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892622">Nothing I can say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/claudinedelyon/pseuds/claudinedelyon'>claudinedelyon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Italy)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Study, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, with a vaguely hopeful ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:20:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>796</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/claudinedelyon/pseuds/claudinedelyon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Marti?”<br/>He doesn’t open his eyes because he recognizes the voice and he doesn’t want anything to do with it in that moment. He is beyond feeling shame at being caught like this, emotions gone awry, without any idea how long Niccolò could have been standing there, watching him curse at nothing and thrash and kick and hurt.<br/>--<br/>Niccolò finds Martino at the end of "L'Ultimo uomo sulla terra".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nothing I can say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Content warning for Martino coming down from his panic attack at the beginning and just in general, the end of episode 2.05.<br/>Also, sorry.</p><p>Title from "Words Fail", from <em>Dear Evan Hansen</em>.<br/></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martino is still heaving too shallow breaths, a weight on his chest, tears in his eyes, the crash of the trash cans and his own screams ringing in his ears when a voice drags him back to reality.</p><p>“Marti?”</p><p>He doesn’t open his eyes because he recognizes the voice and he doesn’t want anything to do with it in that moment. He is beyond feeling shame at being caught like this, emotions gone awry, without any idea how long Niccolò could have been standing there, watching him curse at nothing and thrash and kick and hurt.</p><p>“Marti?”</p><p>The voice has grown a bit louder and possibly more worried the second time. All Martino wants is for the voice to go away, go away like everybody else, like his dad, like Gio when he fell in love with Eva, like Filippo, like his friends, like Gio <em>again</em>. Like Nico himself, back to the arms and lips of Maddalena, back to smiling and dancing with their friends like nothing happened, like Martino is nothing, like none of it meant anything.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>The voice is not leaving him alone, so maybe if he answers, it will be satisfied and leave. He opens his eyes. Around him, the world is dark and blurry, and he has to blink and wipe his eyes with his sleeve for it to come into focus. He hates how childish the gesture looks. Like that of a wounded child who wants his mommy.</p><p>He can see Nico clearly now, standing a few steps away, in the same white shirt, the same jeans as before, minus the girlfriend and the smile. The girlfriend is not very far away and the smile will surely be back soon enough.</p><p>Martino doesn’t answer the question, of course he’s not okay. Nothing’s okay.</p><p>“What do you want?” He finally manages, because so far he hasn’t been talking, and Nico hasn’t moved. Maybe if he talks, maybe he’ll leave. His voice is hoarse and low as if he had used up too much of it tonight. Too much but just enough to push everybody away.</p><p>Niccolò looks down at the ground for a second and then back up at him.</p><p>“I saw you leave. And I followed you out, but… Marti, what happened with your friends?”</p><p>He wants to say “None of your business.” He wants to say “They hate me now and it’s all your fault.” Or maybe “It’s all my fault.”</p><p>He says, “Nothing.”</p><p>Nico doesn’t believe him, of course. But he doesn’t press. He steps forward instead and it’s almost worse. Martino cannot step back, he literally has his back to the wall. He stands here, trapped in the jaw of a monster who’s about to tear him apart with its teeth. And then, guilt hits him.</p><p>“Are they still here?”</p><p>Nico doesn’t answer right away, and it occurs to Martino that he doesn’t know what he means at first. Until understanding crosses his face.</p><p>“No, they left soon after you.”</p><p>Like everybody else. Martino nods.</p><p>“Marti, I…” Nico starts and then swallows. He opens his mouth to continue, but Martino can’t take it. He can’t take anymore. There’s so much of it already, it’s all mixed up until there’s only one emotion left, and it’s emptiness. Martino never knew that too much could so easily melt into nothing.</p><p>“I want to go home,” he says and it’s almost a whisper.</p><p>“Okay.” As his own voice grows quieter, Niccolò’s sounds more assured. “Do you need a ride? Maddi’s friends drove us here and…”</p><p>“I don’t want a ride with Maddi’s friends,” Martino cuts him off. He doesn’t think it’s an unreasonable request, it might be the only reasonable thing in their situation. Nico doesn’t say anything, so he repeats, with more emphasis, “I want to go home.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>He pushes himself off the wall while Nico stays where he is, watching him. It should probably make him feel something, having Nico’s eyes burning a hole through him like that, having him this close, but it doesn’t. Or maybe it does. He can’t tell where one feeling ends and the other begins anymore.</p><p>When he walks past Nico, he still doesn’t move. Martino remembers a boy who moved with his entire body and who looked like he could never sit still. Now, he seems stuck to the ground.</p><p>Martino only has time to take a few more steps when the voice comes up again.</p><p>“See you at school?”</p><p>It shouldn’t be, but it’s a question. Martino figures there's only one answer he could make. Their school’s not that big. They’re both in the radio. And he’s never had much of a choice when it came to noticing Niccolò. So, he nods.</p><p>And then, he, too, walks away.</p>
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